Friends

Friends

    Often times online I'll scream into the void. I used to do this on twitter quite often. Now I don't have one, and I still feel like I need a bit of a public outlet for accountability's sake even though most wouldn't see it at all. One of the primary reasons I feel the need to do this is because throughout most of my life, I've been alone, and even though this doesn't change anything about that fact it's still a lot less lonely than writing it into a journal and hiding it in the slew of random shit in every drawer in my apartment. From the ages of 5-9, the only people I really hung out with were my family members. Of course, I still had friends, but I don't recall ever making permanent ones at that age. I definitely don't have any remaining from that time period, and to be honest I dread ever running into them again. Not for anything specific, but just because I've always hated the idea. 

    Although I do have a generally remarkable memory, chapters of my younger years are fragmented. I attribute that to trauma that I've buried and yet to uncover creating a black hole of repressed memories to prevent anything from returning them to light. Whereas now I remember almost everything. Tense personal conflict seems to obliterate my long term temporarily in order to prevent myself from falling into despair, as when I have arguments with loved ones or friends I typically shut down. That's not to say I curl into a ball so to speak, as I'm a very reactive person. The family members in my life currently are either in it, or not. We almost never fight and that's not exactly a good thing. I've blocked people instantly in most fights since I was an early teenager, and that's most likely due to the fact that the only real long-lasting friendship is with Tyrone (who was also blocked for 5 years at one point). 

    Now most of the time blocking results in overall positive outcomes. I've lived in my apartment complex for almost 4 years. Throughout that time I've met many, many people. There are absolutely NONE that I met immediately when I first moved in, and only one remaining from a short time after. The rest of them that I became friends with, have come and gone. There are a few instances that stand out in this regard. The largest group of people that I "hung" out with from my apartments was about 8 people, and it was cool for a while. I'd hang out with them primarily in the pool area 2-3 times a week. There were many more around during the time and I'll get into those later. All was good for a while, even though I don't drink myself I don't have a problem hanging out with people that do and they were almost always drunk. Eventually, there was a gathering that had around 40-50 people in the pool area, almost as if there was flyer advertising a party. Long story short everyone got too drunk, one person ran off into the street cause they got emotional, but they ended up @ my apartment for about 10 minutes before that. That person lost their wallet, and again despite the fact that there were 40-50 people in the small area we were hanging out those idiots decided I was the one who stole it (I didn't). So, regardless of how long I'd hung out with them at this point I immediately stopped talking to every single one of them.

    There were many other people within that circle that I didn't commonly associate with. I've got a myriad of reasons for it. One of the reasons I ended up moving to these apartments was due to a situation happening that increased my survival instincts to San Diego levels. So little things here and there, are large things to me. If somebody's nice one day but rude the next, it's a lot more serious to me than it perhaps should be. I also have bit of increased sensitivity to that, as I usually need to hang out with somebody more than in passing to allow for any conflict as conflict happening too early and for no fucking reason is a red flag. So, if we cool, we cool, and don't give me reasons to think otherwise. Perhaps the oddest interaction with one of the people in that circle occurred just after I bought my currently vehicle. I was just getting home from work, parking in my garage. My car is nice, and I usually get looks or people wanting to talk about it nowadays, but when I first got the car and it was a brand-new model (not just new year) it was essentially every day. Some of those people were hanging out in front of a nearby garage, so they saw me pulling in, and decided to come talk to me about my car. I did the usual, but I overhear one of them that didn't come to talk about it say, 

"OH HE JUST WANTS TO SHOW OFF" in frustration. 

I was just parking for the day.

That ended without going further, I acted like I didn't hear it, but I never spoke to any of those people nor anybody that could call them a friend, again. It's just a bit odd to me that anybody could perceive that I was cocky by simply buying a vehicle that's new and rare. I don't think I'm cocky, and I definitely try my best not to be. That's because just like as a child, I've spent most of my adult life, alone. 

    I'm an alcoholic. I've made no effort nor will I ever to hide that fact. I love drinking, but I hate who I become when I'm drunk, as I have no control over it. So I don't. I've been sober since March 23rd, 2020. I had made an effort to become sober since 2018, but it took that long to actually do it, and I used COVID as a catalyst. But from June 2018 to about September of 2021, I didn't have anybody. Most of my time was spent in my grandparent's basement just trying to feel fine between losing my mind. Of course I worked, but work was separate and I never felt whole while there. I drank to disappear; I showed up to make money. My state of mind was so weak that once I quit drinking, I changed jobs. Didn't participate in holiday events, I cut off all of my friends from a previous life. New "friends" were built on a shitty foundation that didn't last nor could it. It's just that now, when I'm lonely again, I think about the previous times, and I wonder if it was even that bad. 

    Blocking doesn't always result in the best of outcomes, and sometimes I do it far too hastily. It's not that I don't care about somebody when I do it. As of now it's a knee-jerk reaction to perceived danger. I suppose it developed throughout my long history of... moving. ESPECIALLY during the developmental years. I switched schools about 4 times within the third grade, and lastly, I swapped classes. I was never able to maintain friendships. So, due to that, I guess I never learned the true value of repairing them. From "betrayals" (in parentheses because I wholeheartedly believe the actions of a younger human aren't really indicative of the kind of person they are, therefore, I don't believe they're all that serious), to slight misunderstanding, to downright being robbed by someone I believed was my friend. I learned that friendships are inherently dangerous, and that's a belief I've been fighting a lot recently. Nevertheless, I'm not able to undo the damage that blocking causes. I know most people aren't used to it, so when it happens it's believed to be a final resort- crisis mode, unrepairable etc. It's just that for me... blocking is just a Tuesday.  

     The damage I cause isn't up for me to decide, merely for me to accept. I can, however, decide if I do it in the first place. I've focused on being a good friend for so long, and yeah many of my friends do accept my flighty nature, but what am I losing out on with those that... don't? Am I really losing out on anything? Maybe it's just the loneliness talking, but what if I'm really destined to be this... alone for now. I've got friends, but I spend most of my time alone with my pets. Some say it's a gift, but I don't know if they've lived it as long as I have. I see people daily, those I call my friends (and the best part is they're coworkers). I talk to people digitally daily, especially people that I'll never meet in person. It's just... not enough. I don't know if it'll ever be, and seemingly we live in a world where I'll just need to get used to it. 

Maybe I will be alone forever.