Capabilities

     When I was younger, I thought I could do anything. So much so that I wanted to do nothing. I was labeled as gifted from a very young age, but I think a lot of kids from my generation were. I'm not sure it matters too much anymore. Ever since I burned out during my alcoholism, I've always considered myself a burnout. That's not what my generation is known for though. I think we're the generation of never having kids because we weren't taught to properly maintain relationships. I definitely wasn't. I believe that for a multitude of reasons. 

    I'm not sure if I come from a broken home. It wasn't really a home to begin with, but we made it as close to one as we could. My oldest sister lived with her father, and we didn't see her much. My weekends consisted of my grandparents picking me up so I could spend time with them and my father. I remember always being super excited to go to my grandparents' house. Not because I didn't love spending time with my mama, because I was absolutely a mama's boy growing up. I tend to block out a lot of my childhood however, because there's a lot of moments- I'd rather forget. The person I consider to be my first friend, or at least the one I remember being the first friend I ever made disappeared shortly into knowing him. He was my neighbor, and one of the only memories I have of spending time with him was when his mother was hit by a car. There are a few others, partially I remember being friends with this kid whose mother was friends with mine, but his older brother was mean, so eventually I stayed away from them. I was a good kid, I think anyways, but I remember going over to their apartment and they were playing Conker's Bad Fur Day and I didn't like it because it was vulgar. Funny now, as I don't think I'd actually ever play it again, but it was funny. 

    Beyond that I don't remember much of school. The first school I attended was (I believe, anyways) called Webster, then I transferred to Dailard (maybe?). From there I would transfer schools approximately 4 times. Primarily for lashing out. I would get into a lot of fights. I don't remember being afraid of honestly, anything (physical, anyways.). I believe I was lashing out due to unsatisfactory life conditions and not knowing how to process them at such a young age. Eventually, I landed myself in a penitentiary for crazy people (not actually a penitentiary, I just really like that word lmao), and from there I was placed on Adderall. I calmed down a bit after that, but that damage was done. I'm not sure if it's normal to form lasting friendships from a young age, but I don't remember ANYBODY. None. Nada. I don't recall making a lasting friendship until Tyrone, and he wasn't even the first person I met at my apartments. 

    In the 3rd grade I was labeled as gifted by people other than my family, and I remember finally meeting people that I'd know for a few years. I don't really remember being friends with them, though that's probably just internalized self-hatred. I was a bad friend, all things considered. I didn't know how to be a good one, probably because I hadn't experienced a good friend. I wouldn't experience one for a very, very long time (Tyrone sucked in the beginning lmao love you dawg) and I wouldn't learn how to accept it for even longer. Rejection due to self-hatred lasted for an extremely long time, but there's nothing I could do. I never wanted to have anything, because I felt I didn't deserve anything. I never wanted to achieve anything, because I felt I didn't deserve anything. Therefore, I didn't. 

    The gifted class led to relative success, I went to a middle school of performing arts (same one as my friend Courtney, RIP), but even then, other than minor achievements, I achieved nothing, because I didn't deserve anything. I went back to a normal school after that, and from there, life became what I always expected it to. Nothing. I'm not even sure how I kept passing grades. I never wanted to go, and I gave minimal effort. I was still on Adderall at this point, and I remember it causing severe problems in friendships again. Originally, I had a few friends, but I was on 150mg at this point and I didn't care... about anything. Didn't want to talk because I had nothing to say. I remember a few people taking offense to that, primarily because they assumed I thought I was better than them. I remember latching on to a few people, primarily gang members (or perhaps wannabe ones?), and being the little homie. 

    I was pretty small. Up until I was 15, I was 4'11". I would always just shadow people. Fuck, I don't even remember what we'd talk about, but I was there. I would mimic clothes, hell, one time I even wore a bandana around my neck and sagged my plaid shorts I'm not even sure how the fuck I was able to walk. I should have known better, honestly, as I had gone to the Juvenile Penitentiary (actually this time) a couple of years prior. I did it anyways, and I don't remember anything came of it. But eventually, that ended as well. Those people came and went, and I never saw them again. I don't even remember their names. Did it even happen? 

    Somehow, I kept going. Shamefully of course. I got horrible grades, but I learned a lot. I never demonstrated any of it. Years went by, I started making actual friends (probably not), but of course, I treated them like shit. I began drinking. Little did I know, this is where shit would start to get bad, but it was a ramp up. Pieces of the monster inside me would start showing, but I somewhat fought them off. I didn't fit in, I was white kid (not really, I'm Spanish/Mexican) that acted ghetto (it was actually hood, but of course the people around me didn't know what that was).  Eventually I stopped being a dumbass in that regard, but it was too late. The damage was far too done. I kept failing everything. Where was my life leading? 

    Still, I kept going. I stopped going to school, but I didn't unenroll or give up, for some reason. Then... I got my first concussion. I had somehow qualified to get on the wrestling team, and this stupid motherfucker picked me up in a tournament and slammed me directly on my head. This was the first true... evil I had experienced. I'm kidding, no it absolutely was not. Up until this point I'd been robbed, drugged with weed laced with PCP (or something), and almost jumped (by someone I'd eventually call a friend, albeit temporarily). It's funny that I look back now and see that the people that protected me the most are the ones that most people would assume are most dangerous. I had friends who were actually gang members that for some reason decided to hide the fact they smoked weed and drank (around the time I was 14) because they knew I hadn't been exposed to that yet. There was even a massive brawl, and they made sure I didn't get touched because I was so small (4'11" remember?). 

    Yet somehow, it was the kids that people even now, would assume are the good ones that hurt me the most. At least, that's what I thought back then. My concussion healed me in ways I didn't know was possible. Suddenly I could focus, I felt I wanted to be something. Despite most of my school career consisting of absolute failure... I got straight A's for a single semester. I started thinking I deserved something. I started using all of the knowledge and education that I somehow gathered in the chaos of my upbringing, and that I learned in passing, and despite never going to school before, I started... succeeding. I felt I could be something, my dumbass even enrolled in an entire semester of AP Classes, cause why not? Though no one else thought that. There was even a school staff member that told me, "don't worry Sabbath, we've got your diploma this time!" She was mocking me. I COULD do it, right? 

    That didn't last long. This time, it wasn't because I couldn't, it was because I was bored. I didn't want to anymore, not because I didn't think I deserved it, but because I didn't see the point. I dropped out of high school. Like my father before me, and my grandfather before him. My grandfather dropped out to join the Navy, and that led to my grandparents having my father in a place where my father would meet my mother and it led to... me. It wasn't just me though, my sister dropped out to, and she had my niece.

    Speaking of my sister, guess what she does now? She's a Mortician. She went back to school, became a mortician. I'm so proud of her.

    Let's roll it back a bit. I dropped out and went off to San Diego to waste my time. I went back to repair my relationship with my mother (that's not the waste of time, that was a great decision. Love you mama). I was surrounded by people who didn't believe that I'd be anything. I did nothing, because I didn't want anything, but I kept going. Eventually I wanted a cat, so I got cat. He's still with me today (Isaac), and I even got to keep one of his kids (Magdalene). I wanted it, so I made sure that I made it a reality. But beyond that, I didn't want anything. I just wanted to live. I was finally in a place where I could protect myself, and that's all I really wanted. I couldn't accept it. I tried to go to school to be a Pilot (military), but I washed myself out of it, and from there- knowing a lifelong dream of mine was dead, I started spiraling. 

    I had too much on my plate. I had too many demons clawing at who at was. I gave in. I became the monster that I was always meant to be. I hurt people and became an alcoholic. 

I deserved nothing. I deserved to rot. I deserved to die. 

I deserved nothing. I deserved to rot. I deserved to die. 

I deserved nothing. I deserved to rot. I deserved to die. 

    I walked through life as a shell. I worked, but only to keep my car. I began to learn something, but that wouldn't last. I still wasn't capable of anything. It was a means to pass the time. I was a bad person, and I treated people horribly. I deserved nothing. 

    Years passed, and eventually- Tyrone, Jalen, Eriq, Miguel, Shay Shay (you were young, you didn't know it, but your friendship helped me a lot), helped me destroy the Monster that I was. I quit drinking, but I still wasn't capable of anything. I deserved nothing, but I suppose I could live. Could I? 

I started learning, but not to grow, to survive. 

I found out I was capable of driving a truck.

    I was damn good at it too. Cool, I could do this the rest of my life, but my brain was off. Go, drive, sleep. Go, drive, sleep. That was it. That's all I'd ever do. This time, I'll learn, but not to grow, to survive. You can't survive without friends. So, let's become... a good friend. I started treating people better. I started helping people. I started being there for others, for my family, for my babies. Wait, babies, let's get more babies. Artyom, Ekaterina, Shiba Inu's I never thought I'd deserve, I got. I learned to take care of them. I learned to take care of others. 

Then still, nothing. Drive. You'll do nothing, but drive. It's a good life. 

I loved driving a Truck. 

    But my brain was off. I couldn't do anything, because I achieved all that I could. I destroyed the Monster I was, I learned to be a good friend. Things that I'd struggled with my whole life. I did it. My life was over. 

It wasn't. It isn't. 

Somebody believed in me. Somebody saw something in me. Here, do this. Learn. You're capable of more. Am I? 

    I started learning again, but this time to grow. I became bored. I wanted more. I want, more. I stopped driving a truck. Okay, let's try something new. I did it. 

I... achieved something.

Could I... do more? I can. 

    Throughout my life, I wanted nothing. I wanted to live; I wanted to be happy. Whether that be through playing the original Resident Evil 4 for thousands of hours, playing Call of Duty for thousands of hours, or drinking until I was blackout drunk. Anything that I may have been gifted with was a curse. I could achieve nothing, because I was nothing. That's not the truth; It's never been the truth. My capability was always limited by myself, because I let the pain of my past hold me back. I made money, I made mistakes, I fought through my weakness and became bored, twice. Hey, I'm bored again. 

Let's finally use the thing that my giant forehead is protecting. 

To everyone I've hurt, I'm so sorry for not being better. 

To the people who taught me I could do more, I'll always love you. 

To the rest of y'all:

©️ 2026 Sabbath Peralta. All rights reserved.

Isaac 

Magdalene

Artyom & Ekaterina