Capabilities

     When I was younger, I thought I could do anything. So much so that I wanted to do nothing. I was labeled as gifted from a very young age, but I think a lot of kids from my generation were. I'm not sure it matters too much anymore. Ever since I burned out during my alcoholism, I've always considered myself a burnout. That's not what my generation is known for though. I think we're the generation of never having kids because we weren't taught to properly maintain relationships. I definitely wasn't. I believe that for a multitude of reasons. 

    I'm not sure if I come from a broken home. It wasn't really a home to begin with, but we made it as close to one as we could. My oldest sister lived with her father, and we didn't see her much. My weekends consisted of my grandparents picking me up so I could spend time with them and my father. I remember always being super excited to go to my grandparents' house. Not because I didn't love spending time with my mama, because I was absolutely a mama's boy growing up. I tend to block out a lot of my childhood however, because there's a lot of moments- I'd rather forget. The person I consider to be my first friend, or at least the one I remember being the first friend I ever made disappeared shortly into knowing him. He was my neighbor, and one of the only memories I have of spending time with him was when his mother was hit by a car. There are a few others, partially I remember being friends with this kid whose mother was friends with mine, but his older brother was mean, so eventually I stayed away from them. I was a good kid, I think anyways, but I remember going over to their apartment and they were playing Conker's Bad Fur Day and I didn't like it because it was vulgar. Funny now, as I don't think I'd actually ever play it again, but it was funny. 

    Beyond that I don't remember much of school. The first school I attended was (I believe, anyways) called Webster, then I transferred to Dailard (maybe?). From there I would transfer schools approximately 4 times. Primarily for lashing out. I would get into a lot of fights. I don't remember being afraid of honestly, anything (physical, anyways.). I believe I was lashing out due to unsatisfactory life conditions and not knowing how to process them at such a young age. Eventually, I landed myself in a penitentiary for crazy people (not actually a penitentiary, I just really like that word lmao), and from there I was placed on Adderall. I calmed down a bit after that, but that damage was done. I'm not sure if it's normal to form lasting friendships from a young age, but I don't remember ANYBODY. None. Nada. I don't recall making a lasting friendship until Tyrone, and he wasn't even the first person I met at my apartments. 

    In the 3rd grade I was labeled as gifted by people other than my family, and I remember finally meeting people that I'd know for a few years. I don't really remember being friends with them, though that's probably just internalized self-hatred. I was a bad friend, all things considered. I didn't know how to be a good one, probably because I hadn't experienced a good friend. I wouldn't experience one for a very, very long time (Tyrone sucked in the beginning lmao love you dawg) and I wouldn't learn how to accept it for even longer. Rejection due to self-hatred lasted for an extremely long time, but there's nothing I could do. I never wanted to have anything, because I felt I didn't deserve anything. I never wanted to achieve anything, because I felt I didn't deserve anything. Therefore, I didn't. 

    The gifted class led to relative success, I went to a middle school of performing arts (same one as my friend Courtney, RIP), but even then, other than minor achievements, I achieved nothing, because I didn't deserve anything. I went back to a normal school after that, and from there, life became what I always expected it to. Nothing. I'm not even sure how I kept passing grades. I never wanted to go, and I gave minimal effort. I was still on Adderall at this point, and I remember it causing severe problems in friendships again. Originally, I had a few friends, but I was on 150mg at this point and I didn't care... about anything. Didn't want to talk because I had nothing to say. I remember a few people taking offense to that, primarily because they assumed I thought I was better than them. I remember latching on to a few people, primarily gang members (or perhaps wannabe ones?), and being the little homie. 

    I was pretty small. Up until I was 15, I was 4'11". I would always just shadow people. Fuck, I don't even remember what we'd talk about, but I was there. I would mimic clothes, hell, one time I even wore a bandana around my neck and sagged my plaid shorts I'm not even sure how the fuck I was able to walk. I should have known better, honestly, as I had gone to the Juvenile Penitentiary (actually this time) a couple of years prior. I did it anyways, and I don't remember anything came of it. But eventually, that ended as well. Those people came and went, and I never saw them again. I don't even remember their names. Did it even happen? 

    Somehow, I kept going. Shamefully of course. I got horrible grades, but I learned a lot. I never demonstrated any of it. Years went by, I started making actual friends (probably not), but of course, I treated them like shit. I began drinking. Little did I know, this is where shit would start to get bad, but it was a ramp up. Pieces of the monster inside me would start showing, but I somewhat fought them off. I didn't fit in, I was white kid (not really, I'm Spanish/Mexican) that acted ghetto (it was actually hood, but of course the people around me didn't know what that was).  Eventually I stopped being a dumbass in that regard, but it was too late. The damage was far too done. I kept failing everything. Where was my life leading? 

    Still, I kept going. I stopped going to school, but I didn't unenroll or give up, for some reason. Then... I got my first concussion. I had somehow qualified to get on the wrestling team, and this stupid motherfucker picked me up in a tournament and slammed me directly on my head. This was the first true... evil I had experienced. I'm kidding, no it absolutely was not. Up until this point I'd been robbed, drugged with weed laced with PCP (or something), and almost jumped (by someone I'd eventually call a friend, albeit temporarily). It's funny that I look back now and see that the people that protected me the most are the ones that most people would assume are most dangerous. I had friends who were actually gang members that for some reason decided to hide the fact they smoked weed and drank (around the time I was 14) because they knew I hadn't been exposed to that yet. There was even a massive brawl, and they made sure I didn't get touched because I was so small (4'11" remember?). 

    Yet somehow, it was the kids that people even now, would assume are the good ones that hurt me the most. At least, that's what I thought back then. My concussion healed me in ways I didn't know was possible. Suddenly I could focus, I felt I wanted to be something. Despite most of my school career consisting of absolute failure... I got straight A's for a single semester. I started thinking I deserved something. I started using all of the knowledge and education that I somehow gathered in the chaos of my upbringing, and that I learned in passing, and despite never going to school before, I started... succeeding. I felt I could be something, my dumbass even enrolled in an entire semester of AP Classes, cause why not? Though no one else thought that. There was even a school staff member that told me, "don't worry Sabbath, we've got your diploma this time!" She was mocking me. I COULD do it, right? 

    That didn't last long. This time, it wasn't because I couldn't, it was because I was bored. I didn't want to anymore, not because I didn't think I deserved it, but because I didn't see the point. I dropped out of high school. Like my father before me, and my grandfather before him. My grandfather dropped out to join the Navy, and that led to my grandparents having my father in a place where my father would meet my mother and it led to... me. It wasn't just me though, my sister dropped out to, and she had my niece.

    Speaking of my sister, guess what she does now? She's a Mortician. She went back to school, became a mortician. I'm so proud of her.

    Let's roll it back a bit. I dropped out and went off to San Diego to waste my time. I went back to repair my relationship with my mother (that's not the waste of time, that was a great decision. Love you mama). I was surrounded by people who didn't believe that I'd be anything. I did nothing, because I didn't want anything, but I kept going. Eventually I wanted a cat, so I got cat. He's still with me today (Isaac), and I even got to keep one of his kids (Magdalene). I wanted it, so I made sure that I made it a reality. But beyond that, I didn't want anything. I just wanted to live. I was finally in a place where I could protect myself, and that's all I really wanted. I couldn't accept it. I tried to go to school to be a Pilot (military), but I washed myself out of it, and from there- knowing a lifelong dream of mine was dead, I started spiraling. 

    I had too much on my plate. I had too many demons clawing at who at was. I gave in. I became the monster that I was always meant to be. I hurt people and became an alcoholic. 

I deserved nothing. I deserved to rot. I deserved to die. 

I deserved nothing. I deserved to rot. I deserved to die. 

I deserved nothing. I deserved to rot. I deserved to die. 

    I walked through life as a shell. I worked, but only to keep my car. I began to learn something, but that wouldn't last. I still wasn't capable of anything. It was a means to pass the time. I was a bad person, and I treated people horribly. I deserved nothing. 

    Years passed, and eventually- Tyrone, Jalen, Eriq, Miguel, Shay Shay (you were young, you didn't know it, but your friendship helped me a lot), helped me destroy the Monster that I was. I quit drinking, but I still wasn't capable of anything. I deserved nothing, but I suppose I could live. Could I? 

I started learning, but not to grow, to survive. 

I found out I was capable of driving a truck.

    I was damn good at it too. Cool, I could do this the rest of my life, but my brain was off. Go, drive, sleep. Go, drive, sleep. That was it. That's all I'd ever do. This time, I'll learn, but not to grow, to survive. You can't survive without friends. So, let's become... a good friend. I started treating people better. I started helping people. I started being there for others, for my family, for my babies. Wait, babies, let's get more babies. Artyom, Ekaterina, Shiba Inu's I never thought I'd deserve, I got. I learned to take care of them. I learned to take care of others. 

Then still, nothing. Drive. You'll do nothing, but drive. It's a good life. 

I loved driving a Truck. 

    But my brain was off. I couldn't do anything, because I achieved all that I could. I destroyed the Monster I was, I learned to be a good friend. Things that I'd struggled with my whole life. I did it. My life was over. 

It wasn't. It isn't. 

Somebody believed in me. Somebody saw something in me. Here, do this. Learn. You're capable of more. Am I? 

    I started learning again, but this time to grow. I became bored. I wanted more. I want, more. I stopped driving a truck. Okay, let's try something new. I did it. 

I... achieved something.

Could I... do more? I can. 

    Throughout my life, I wanted nothing. I wanted to live; I wanted to be happy. Whether that be through playing the original Resident Evil 4 for thousands of hours, playing Call of Duty for thousands of hours, or drinking until I was blackout drunk. Anything that I may have been gifted with was a curse. I could achieve nothing, because I was nothing. That's not the truth; It's never been the truth. My capability was always limited by myself, because I let the pain of my past hold me back. I made money, I made mistakes, I fought through my weakness and became bored, twice. Hey, I'm bored again. 

Let's finally use the thing that my giant forehead is protecting. 

To everyone I've hurt, I'm so sorry for not being better. 

To the people who taught me I could do more, I'll always love you. 

To the rest of y'all:

©️ 2026 Sabbath Peralta. All rights reserved.

Isaac 

Magdalene

Artyom & Ekaterina

Friends

Friends

    Often times online I'll scream into the void. I used to do this on twitter quite often. Now I don't have one, and I still feel like I need a bit of a public outlet for accountability's sake even though most wouldn't see it at all. One of the primary reasons I feel the need to do this is because throughout most of my life, I've been alone, and even though this doesn't change anything about that fact it's still a lot less lonely than writing it into a journal and hiding it in the slew of random shit in every drawer in my apartment. From the ages of 5-9, the only people I really hung out with were my family members. Of course, I still had friends, but I don't recall ever making permanent ones at that age. I definitely don't have any remaining from that time period, and to be honest I dread ever running into them again. Not for anything specific, but just because I've always hated the idea. 

    Although I do have a generally remarkable memory, chapters of my younger years are fragmented. I attribute that to trauma that I've buried and yet to uncover creating a black hole of repressed memories to prevent anything from returning them to light. Whereas now I remember almost everything. Tense personal conflict seems to obliterate my long term temporarily in order to prevent myself from falling into despair, as when I have arguments with loved ones or friends I typically shut down. That's not to say I curl into a ball so to speak, as I'm a very reactive person. The family members in my life currently are either in it, or not. We almost never fight and that's not exactly a good thing. I've blocked people instantly in most fights since I was an early teenager, and that's most likely due to the fact that the only real long-lasting friendship is with Tyrone (who was also blocked for 5 years at one point). 

    Now most of the time blocking results in overall positive outcomes. I've lived in my apartment complex for almost 4 years. Throughout that time I've met many, many people. There are absolutely NONE that I met immediately when I first moved in, and only one remaining from a short time after. The rest of them that I became friends with, have come and gone. There are a few instances that stand out in this regard. The largest group of people that I "hung" out with from my apartments was about 8 people, and it was cool for a while. I'd hang out with them primarily in the pool area 2-3 times a week. There were many more around during the time and I'll get into those later. All was good for a while, even though I don't drink myself I don't have a problem hanging out with people that do and they were almost always drunk. Eventually, there was a gathering that had around 40-50 people in the pool area, almost as if there was flyer advertising a party. Long story short everyone got too drunk, one person ran off into the street cause they got emotional, but they ended up @ my apartment for about 10 minutes before that. That person lost their wallet, and again despite the fact that there were 40-50 people in the small area we were hanging out those idiots decided I was the one who stole it (I didn't). So, regardless of how long I'd hung out with them at this point I immediately stopped talking to every single one of them.

    There were many other people within that circle that I didn't commonly associate with. I've got a myriad of reasons for it. One of the reasons I ended up moving to these apartments was due to a situation happening that increased my survival instincts to San Diego levels. So little things here and there, are large things to me. If somebody's nice one day but rude the next, it's a lot more serious to me than it perhaps should be. I also have bit of increased sensitivity to that, as I usually need to hang out with somebody more than in passing to allow for any conflict as conflict happening too early and for no fucking reason is a red flag. So, if we cool, we cool, and don't give me reasons to think otherwise. Perhaps the oddest interaction with one of the people in that circle occurred just after I bought my currently vehicle. I was just getting home from work, parking in my garage. My car is nice, and I usually get looks or people wanting to talk about it nowadays, but when I first got the car and it was a brand-new model (not just new year) it was essentially every day. Some of those people were hanging out in front of a nearby garage, so they saw me pulling in, and decided to come talk to me about my car. I did the usual, but I overhear one of them that didn't come to talk about it say, 

"OH HE JUST WANTS TO SHOW OFF" in frustration. 

I was just parking for the day.

That ended without going further, I acted like I didn't hear it, but I never spoke to any of those people nor anybody that could call them a friend, again. It's just a bit odd to me that anybody could perceive that I was cocky by simply buying a vehicle that's new and rare. I don't think I'm cocky, and I definitely try my best not to be. That's because just like as a child, I've spent most of my adult life, alone. 

    I'm an alcoholic. I've made no effort nor will I ever to hide that fact. I love drinking, but I hate who I become when I'm drunk, as I have no control over it. So I don't. I've been sober since March 23rd, 2020. I had made an effort to become sober since 2018, but it took that long to actually do it, and I used COVID as a catalyst. But from June 2018 to about September of 2021, I didn't have anybody. Most of my time was spent in my grandparent's basement just trying to feel fine between losing my mind. Of course I worked, but work was separate and I never felt whole while there. I drank to disappear; I showed up to make money. My state of mind was so weak that once I quit drinking, I changed jobs. Didn't participate in holiday events, I cut off all of my friends from a previous life. New "friends" were built on a shitty foundation that didn't last nor could it. It's just that now, when I'm lonely again, I think about the previous times, and I wonder if it was even that bad. 

    Blocking doesn't always result in the best of outcomes, and sometimes I do it far too hastily. It's not that I don't care about somebody when I do it. As of now it's a knee-jerk reaction to perceived danger. I suppose it developed throughout my long history of... moving. ESPECIALLY during the developmental years. I switched schools about 4 times within the third grade, and lastly, I swapped classes. I was never able to maintain friendships. So, due to that, I guess I never learned the true value of repairing them. From "betrayals" (in parentheses because I wholeheartedly believe the actions of a younger human aren't really indicative of the kind of person they are, therefore, I don't believe they're all that serious), to slight misunderstanding, to downright being robbed by someone I believed was my friend. I learned that friendships are inherently dangerous, and that's a belief I've been fighting a lot recently. Nevertheless, I'm not able to undo the damage that blocking causes. I know most people aren't used to it, so when it happens it's believed to be a final resort- crisis mode, unrepairable etc. It's just that for me... blocking is just a Tuesday.  

     The damage I cause isn't up for me to decide, merely for me to accept. I can, however, decide if I do it in the first place. I've focused on being a good friend for so long, and yeah many of my friends do accept my flighty nature, but what am I losing out on with those that... don't? Am I really losing out on anything? Maybe it's just the loneliness talking, but what if I'm really destined to be this... alone for now. I've got friends, but I spend most of my time alone with my pets. Some say it's a gift, but I don't know if they've lived it as long as I have. I see people daily, those I call my friends (and the best part is they're coworkers). I talk to people digitally daily, especially people that I'll never meet in person. It's just... not enough. I don't know if it'll ever be, and seemingly we live in a world where I'll just need to get used to it. 

Maybe I will be alone forever.  

First Bit: Struggles and Attempt

     I've always been the type of person to have an idea in mind then make some half-assed attempt to bring it to reality. I don't know the reasoning behind it, but when I was younger I never really learned to put effort into anything cause I was told by essentially everyone that I never had to- I was already good at something. In a way it was true, there are many many things I'm innately good at. Understanding is probably my biggest strength, at least when it's not something that pertains to me. One of my peers essentially told me I'm good at my current job (car sales) because it's like a video game to me. Now, I'm sure he meant that as a backhanded compliment in a way, but I may also be coming to that conclusion because my hobby of playing video games has always been portrayed as a bad thing. 

    In a lot of ways, it is a bad hobby. During my childhood I spent a majority of my time playing video games rather than socializing or even learning how to talk to other people. One of the biggest tells for me is that fact that I side-eye throughout my daily life a ton. I'm not sure where I learned it from, but it's much more natural for me to merely move my eyes rather than my head. I don't think it's normal, at least from what I've learned throughout my life. It's just a habit I can't seem to shake, as I've been doing it for so long, but it's a mannerism that I hold in a personally abnormal regard. So in many ways, despite the fact I'm good at socializing, I'm still a tad socially awkward. That being said, I absolutely despise small talk, and that's a big reason why I believe it's difficult for me to form long-standing relationships with people. 

    While I do plan on having a bit of a blog alongside the story I want to tell here I'm only typing this out because I owe to myself to explain why I haven't written this story out at all. In fact, I haven't thought about it in a few weeks now. Whereas when I first created this blog, it's all I could think about and talk about with essentially everyone. The biggest obstacle I've run into is that I want the story to be grounded in reality. Not nessecarily non-fiction, but at least if the conditions were correct that it could be possible. I've nothing against it, but at least for this story I didn't want it to possess a backbone that's solely impossible. I don't want this story to have too many pieces that involve something being solely possible because- it is. I love sci-fi. Fantasy is nice too, although I have bit of a bias against it. I just envisioned this story being a bit different. Either way, I'm getting a bit too off topic for my taste. 

    One of the big reasons it's taken me so long to get this off the ground is because I noticed my plan becoming a little too much like Journey to The Center of The Earth. So I kind of had to start from scratch.

    If anybody would ever like to know why and how I'm a 30 year old burnout loser, let me know and I'll be glad to tell. 

chapter? 1: 

    I try not to fall asleep when we journey beyond, but it's proving difficult this time. The road feels bumpier than usual. As if something heavier than the conveyors that we have used it recently. Ren said I was imaginging things. Perhaps he's right, it's been millenia since any Gargans have come close to any paths we utilize. So you think it'd be just us, right? Something just feels off, but I'll leave it alone. We've got enough scrubber components to get us farther away than I've personally been from the Anomaly. Although I never thought to ask about our Hydrogen supplies.

"Let's make a quick stop here." 

Ren interrupted my thought just before pulling off to the east side of the road. 

    The roads aren't constructed with anything unnatural, it's more of a path carved out by the wheels of the conveyors. It happens rather quickly due to the nature of them, but they've been here for longer than I think any of us truly know. There's tons of roads, but hardly anybody deviates too far from them. It's extremely dangerous, because despite how long we've been around exploration has been a bit of limited venture. The Anomaly exists on it's own, with no other instances that we've been able to travel far enough to discover. Nobody even knows how we came to exist. Just one day, we were. 

    As far as we know the Anomaly is the only place on this earth that we can exist. Our bodies aren't well equipped to handle the amount of Carbon Dioxide in the atmosphere outside of the Anomaly. Our existence began in the middle of the Anomaly, andExpansion took a few generations. Once they discovered that we couldn't venture out of the "boundary" we've been working on ways to go further. Hydrogen chemical reactions power the conveyors, though the power produced through them still only allow for limited movement far out. Batteries within the machines allow for the scrubbers to work much longer, so explorations that are further out are still very viable. 

    The history of my species is vast, and to be quite honest not very well kept. Our elder generations simply state that there have been numerous extinction level events throughout our existence, and that's why much of it is unrecorded. That's always been a bit hard for a lot of us to believe however, and most of us- through exploration- still try to uncover the true history. I, like Ren, still do our best. Granted, he and I have ventured much further than others. We try to adjust to the carbon dioxide discrepancies by force, but we can't withstand it for very long. It's exactly what you think: suffocating. It's only through shortbursts in order to extend our reserves that we try to face it head on. 

"It won't be long, let's just face the atmo' eh?" Ren stated as he opened the door, as if I had a choice at that point. It was too late, but I already had the same thing in mind. 

"What are we stopping for exactly? There's nothing special about this spot, but I don't recall ever stopping here before." 

"Well, most of the ride up to this point I've been considering what you said. The road does feel different, and I don't know if you noticed yet, but this... clearing, is different." 

    He's right, I don't see anything particularly special about this point. Most of this spot is full of broken Horsetails, but that could be attributed to previous extruders having fun on the way home. A few flatenned Mirabells, and- 

"I see it now, Ren. There's no way anybody would've tried to do that with a conveyor." 

A snapped set of Bilobs, grand trees with leaves shaped as fans, almost as if a gargan forced it's way through them.

"Right, but a Gargan wouldn't come out this close to the Anomaly. We should take a look and see if there are any indications as to why. Could be just the fun you needed, to wake you up of course." The end of Ren's statement was marred with a misstep. Tal, my best friend, has yet to return from an exploration she took on her own. 

    It happens from time to time. Not returning is something we're taught from a young age to be ready for, but with Tal it doesn't sit right with me. I wanted to go, but couldn't. For reasons I hadn't shared with Ren. Those around me know I've taken it particularly hard, but it's best to act as if you don't notice. They also know I don't want to seem weak. 

"Let's grab our gear." I stated in a persuasive tone, as a I turned around towards the conveyor.

Ren began jogging off excitedly towards the opening in the snapped bilobs,

"We won't need it! We've been practicing enough, 'sides we won't go far. If it's what I think it is, it really isn't a good idea." He turned around as he spoke but kept up the jog. 

I didn't care. I picked up the pace and got our scrubbers from the conveyor. I still planned on making this an exercise, but I didn't want to not have them but need them. 

-------

I didn't intend to end it here, but I'm happy with the progress and wanted to share it. I welcome feedback greatly!

 

introduction

 Hi! 

My name is Sabbath Peralta. 

When I was younger I used to write stories that would randomly pop into my mind. Whether they were personal, or fantastical, I'd always do my best to bring them into the world. I stopped doing that as time went on. 

I haven't been to school in a very long time. I apologize in advance for any mistakes in this blog that may arise. I welcome critique, and I would love to be taught more advanced skills than I have currently. Please feel free to reach out to me on any of my social media profiles if you would like to help. 

This story has always been envisioned as a video game, as that's a medium that I've always had a connection to. When I was younger I didn't leave the house much, so most of the world (until I was 9) was experienced through them. It's science fiction for starters, as that's a realm I've always had an affinity towards. It's not a multiversal story, I promise. However, I do find it necessary to apologize in advance if this story is written similarly to a forum fanfic. I'll be refining my "craft" as I've felt recently that the minute skills I may have possessed when I was younger are now diminished. 

Either way. 

The story revolves a 27 year man named Reuben (my grandfather's middle name). His life is quiet. He spends most of his days working in a restaurant and hanging out with his dog's George and Evelyn (the middle names of my dogs). WHEN ONE DAY- I'm kidding. He's gotten a bit too close to one of his regulars, Tim. Despite his seemingly apparent lack of skills, Reuben gets invited to participate in an research expedition that will rip his mundane life apart. Not for any particular reason, which is a bit surprising since to his knowledge haphazardly inviting people to an expedition seemingly wastes resources that could be better consumed by those who could contribute. 

He figures, why not. He's got nothing going on since he's not taking any classes this semester, hasn't taken a vacation in a while and his dogs aren't sedentary so they'll do just fine. Tim has offered to take care of his finances while on the expedition, so he doesn't have too much to be concerned about. 

That's it for now. 

See you soon!