Capabilities

     When I was younger, I thought I could do anything. So much so that I wanted to do nothing. I was labeled as gifted from a very young age, but I think a lot of kids from my generation were. I'm not sure it matters too much anymore. Ever since I burned out during my alcoholism, I've always considered myself a burnout. That's not what my generation is known for though. I think we're the generation of never having kids because we weren't taught to properly maintain relationships. I definitely wasn't. I believe that for a multitude of reasons. 

    I'm not sure if I come from a broken home. It wasn't really a home to begin with, but we made it as close to one as we could. My oldest sister lived with her father, and we didn't see her much. My weekends consisted of my grandparents picking me up so I could spend time with them and my father. I remember always being super excited to go to my grandparents' house. Not because I didn't love spending time with my mama, because I was absolutely a mama's boy growing up. I tend to block out a lot of my childhood however, because there's a lot of moments- I'd rather forget. The person I consider to be my first friend, or at least the one I remember being the first friend I ever made disappeared shortly into knowing him. He was my neighbor, and one of the only memories I have of spending time with him was when his mother was hit by a car. There are a few others, partially I remember being friends with this kid whose mother was friends with mine, but his older brother was mean, so eventually I stayed away from them. I was a good kid, I think anyways, but I remember going over to their apartment and they were playing Conker's Bad Fur Day and I didn't like it because it was vulgar. Funny now, as I don't think I'd actually ever play it again, but it was funny. 

    Beyond that I don't remember much of school. The first school I attended was (I believe, anyways) called Webster, then I transferred to Dailard (maybe?). From there I would transfer schools approximately 4 times. Primarily for lashing out. I would get into a lot of fights. I don't remember being afraid of honestly, anything (physical, anyways.). I believe I was lashing out due to unsatisfactory life conditions and not knowing how to process them at such a young age. Eventually, I landed myself in a penitentiary for crazy people (not actually a penitentiary, I just really like that word lmao), and from there I was placed on Adderall. I calmed down a bit after that, but that damage was done. I'm not sure if it's normal to form lasting friendships from a young age, but I don't remember ANYBODY. None. Nada. I don't recall making a lasting friendship until Tyrone, and he wasn't even the first person I met at my apartments. 

    In the 3rd grade I was labeled as gifted by people other than my family, and I remember finally meeting people that I'd know for a few years. I don't really remember being friends with them, though that's probably just internalized self-hatred. I was a bad friend, all things considered. I didn't know how to be a good one, probably because I hadn't experienced a good friend. I wouldn't experience one for a very, very long time (Tyrone sucked in the beginning lmao love you dawg) and I wouldn't learn how to accept it for even longer. Rejection due to self-hatred lasted for an extremely long time, but there's nothing I could do. I never wanted to have anything, because I felt I didn't deserve anything. I never wanted to achieve anything, because I felt I didn't deserve anything. Therefore, I didn't. 

    The gifted class led to relative success, I went to a middle school of performing arts (same one as my friend Courtney, RIP), but even then, other than minor achievements, I achieved nothing, because I didn't deserve anything. I went back to a normal school after that, and from there, life became what I always expected it to. Nothing. I'm not even sure how I kept passing grades. I never wanted to go, and I gave minimal effort. I was still on Adderall at this point, and I remember it causing severe problems in friendships again. Originally, I had a few friends, but I was on 150mg at this point and I didn't care... about anything. Didn't want to talk because I had nothing to say. I remember a few people taking offense to that, primarily because they assumed I thought I was better than them. I remember latching on to a few people, primarily gang members (or perhaps wannabe ones?), and being the little homie. 

    I was pretty small. Up until I was 15, I was 4'11". I would always just shadow people. Fuck, I don't even remember what we'd talk about, but I was there. I would mimic clothes, hell, one time I even wore a bandana around my neck and sagged my plaid shorts I'm not even sure how the fuck I was able to walk. I should have known better, honestly, as I had gone to the Juvenile Penitentiary (actually this time) a couple of years prior. I did it anyways, and I don't remember anything came of it. But eventually, that ended as well. Those people came and went, and I never saw them again. I don't even remember their names. Did it even happen? 

    Somehow, I kept going. Shamefully of course. I got horrible grades, but I learned a lot. I never demonstrated any of it. Years went by, I started making actual friends (probably not), but of course, I treated them like shit. I began drinking. Little did I know, this is where shit would start to get bad, but it was a ramp up. Pieces of the monster inside me would start showing, but I somewhat fought them off. I didn't fit in, I was white kid (not really, I'm Spanish/Mexican) that acted ghetto (it was actually hood, but of course the people around me didn't know what that was).  Eventually I stopped being a dumbass in that regard, but it was too late. The damage was far too done. I kept failing everything. Where was my life leading? 

    Still, I kept going. I stopped going to school, but I didn't unenroll or give up, for some reason. Then... I got my first concussion. I had somehow qualified to get on the wrestling team, and this stupid motherfucker picked me up in a tournament and slammed me directly on my head. This was the first true... evil I had experienced. I'm kidding, no it absolutely was not. Up until this point I'd been robbed, drugged with weed laced with PCP (or something), and almost jumped (by someone I'd eventually call a friend, albeit temporarily). It's funny that I look back now and see that the people that protected me the most are the ones that most people would assume are most dangerous. I had friends who were actually gang members that for some reason decided to hide the fact they smoked weed and drank (around the time I was 14) because they knew I hadn't been exposed to that yet. There was even a massive brawl, and they made sure I didn't get touched because I was so small (4'11" remember?). 

    Yet somehow, it was the kids that people even now, would assume are the good ones that hurt me the most. At least, that's what I thought back then. My concussion healed me in ways I didn't know was possible. Suddenly I could focus, I felt I wanted to be something. Despite most of my school career consisting of absolute failure... I got straight A's for a single semester. I started thinking I deserved something. I started using all of the knowledge and education that I somehow gathered in the chaos of my upbringing, and that I learned in passing, and despite never going to school before, I started... succeeding. I felt I could be something, my dumbass even enrolled in an entire semester of AP Classes, cause why not? Though no one else thought that. There was even a school staff member that told me, "don't worry Sabbath, we've got your diploma this time!" She was mocking me. I COULD do it, right? 

    That didn't last long. This time, it wasn't because I couldn't, it was because I was bored. I didn't want to anymore, not because I didn't think I deserved it, but because I didn't see the point. I dropped out of high school. Like my father before me, and my grandfather before him. My grandfather dropped out to join the Navy, and that led to my grandparents having my father in a place where my father would meet my mother and it led to... me. It wasn't just me though, my sister dropped out to, and she had my niece.

    Speaking of my sister, guess what she does now? She's a Mortician. She went back to school, became a mortician. I'm so proud of her.

    Let's roll it back a bit. I dropped out and went off to San Diego to waste my time. I went back to repair my relationship with my mother (that's not the waste of time, that was a great decision. Love you mama). I was surrounded by people who didn't believe that I'd be anything. I did nothing, because I didn't want anything, but I kept going. Eventually I wanted a cat, so I got cat. He's still with me today (Isaac), and I even got to keep one of his kids (Magdalene). I wanted it, so I made sure that I made it a reality. But beyond that, I didn't want anything. I just wanted to live. I was finally in a place where I could protect myself, and that's all I really wanted. I couldn't accept it. I tried to go to school to be a Pilot (military), but I washed myself out of it, and from there- knowing a lifelong dream of mine was dead, I started spiraling. 

    I had too much on my plate. I had too many demons clawing at who at was. I gave in. I became the monster that I was always meant to be. I hurt people and became an alcoholic. 

I deserved nothing. I deserved to rot. I deserved to die. 

I deserved nothing. I deserved to rot. I deserved to die. 

I deserved nothing. I deserved to rot. I deserved to die. 

    I walked through life as a shell. I worked, but only to keep my car. I began to learn something, but that wouldn't last. I still wasn't capable of anything. It was a means to pass the time. I was a bad person, and I treated people horribly. I deserved nothing. 

    Years passed, and eventually- Tyrone, Jalen, Eriq, Miguel, Shay Shay (you were young, you didn't know it, but your friendship helped me a lot), helped me destroy the Monster that I was. I quit drinking, but I still wasn't capable of anything. I deserved nothing, but I suppose I could live. Could I? 

I started learning, but not to grow, to survive. 

I found out I was capable of driving a truck.

    I was damn good at it too. Cool, I could do this the rest of my life, but my brain was off. Go, drive, sleep. Go, drive, sleep. That was it. That's all I'd ever do. This time, I'll learn, but not to grow, to survive. You can't survive without friends. So, let's become... a good friend. I started treating people better. I started helping people. I started being there for others, for my family, for my babies. Wait, babies, let's get more babies. Artyom, Ekaterina, Shiba Inu's I never thought I'd deserve, I got. I learned to take care of them. I learned to take care of others. 

Then still, nothing. Drive. You'll do nothing, but drive. It's a good life. 

I loved driving a Truck. 

    But my brain was off. I couldn't do anything, because I achieved all that I could. I destroyed the Monster I was, I learned to be a good friend. Things that I'd struggled with my whole life. I did it. My life was over. 

It wasn't. It isn't. 

Somebody believed in me. Somebody saw something in me. Here, do this. Learn. You're capable of more. Am I? 

    I started learning again, but this time to grow. I became bored. I wanted more. I want, more. I stopped driving a truck. Okay, let's try something new. I did it. 

I... achieved something.

Could I... do more? I can. 

    Throughout my life, I wanted nothing. I wanted to live; I wanted to be happy. Whether that be through playing the original Resident Evil 4 for thousands of hours, playing Call of Duty for thousands of hours, or drinking until I was blackout drunk. Anything that I may have been gifted with was a curse. I could achieve nothing, because I was nothing. That's not the truth; It's never been the truth. My capability was always limited by myself, because I let the pain of my past hold me back. I made money, I made mistakes, I fought through my weakness and became bored, twice. Hey, I'm bored again. 

Let's finally use the thing that my giant forehead is protecting. 

To everyone I've hurt, I'm so sorry for not being better. 

To the people who taught me I could do more, I'll always love you. 

To the rest of y'all:

©️ 2026 Sabbath Peralta. All rights reserved.

Isaac 

Magdalene

Artyom & Ekaterina

Friends

Friends

    Often times online I'll scream into the void. I used to do this on twitter quite often. Now I don't have one, and I still feel like I need a bit of a public outlet for accountability's sake even though most wouldn't see it at all. One of the primary reasons I feel the need to do this is because throughout most of my life, I've been alone, and even though this doesn't change anything about that fact it's still a lot less lonely than writing it into a journal and hiding it in the slew of random shit in every drawer in my apartment. From the ages of 5-9, the only people I really hung out with were my family members. Of course, I still had friends, but I don't recall ever making permanent ones at that age. I definitely don't have any remaining from that time period, and to be honest I dread ever running into them again. Not for anything specific, but just because I've always hated the idea. 

    Although I do have a generally remarkable memory, chapters of my younger years are fragmented. I attribute that to trauma that I've buried and yet to uncover creating a black hole of repressed memories to prevent anything from returning them to light. Whereas now I remember almost everything. Tense personal conflict seems to obliterate my long term temporarily in order to prevent myself from falling into despair, as when I have arguments with loved ones or friends I typically shut down. That's not to say I curl into a ball so to speak, as I'm a very reactive person. The family members in my life currently are either in it, or not. We almost never fight and that's not exactly a good thing. I've blocked people instantly in most fights since I was an early teenager, and that's most likely due to the fact that the only real long-lasting friendship is with Tyrone (who was also blocked for 5 years at one point). 

    Now most of the time blocking results in overall positive outcomes. I've lived in my apartment complex for almost 4 years. Throughout that time I've met many, many people. There are absolutely NONE that I met immediately when I first moved in, and only one remaining from a short time after. The rest of them that I became friends with, have come and gone. There are a few instances that stand out in this regard. The largest group of people that I "hung" out with from my apartments was about 8 people, and it was cool for a while. I'd hang out with them primarily in the pool area 2-3 times a week. There were many more around during the time and I'll get into those later. All was good for a while, even though I don't drink myself I don't have a problem hanging out with people that do and they were almost always drunk. Eventually, there was a gathering that had around 40-50 people in the pool area, almost as if there was flyer advertising a party. Long story short everyone got too drunk, one person ran off into the street cause they got emotional, but they ended up @ my apartment for about 10 minutes before that. That person lost their wallet, and again despite the fact that there were 40-50 people in the small area we were hanging out those idiots decided I was the one who stole it (I didn't). So, regardless of how long I'd hung out with them at this point I immediately stopped talking to every single one of them.

    There were many other people within that circle that I didn't commonly associate with. I've got a myriad of reasons for it. One of the reasons I ended up moving to these apartments was due to a situation happening that increased my survival instincts to San Diego levels. So little things here and there, are large things to me. If somebody's nice one day but rude the next, it's a lot more serious to me than it perhaps should be. I also have bit of increased sensitivity to that, as I usually need to hang out with somebody more than in passing to allow for any conflict as conflict happening too early and for no fucking reason is a red flag. So, if we cool, we cool, and don't give me reasons to think otherwise. Perhaps the oddest interaction with one of the people in that circle occurred just after I bought my currently vehicle. I was just getting home from work, parking in my garage. My car is nice, and I usually get looks or people wanting to talk about it nowadays, but when I first got the car and it was a brand-new model (not just new year) it was essentially every day. Some of those people were hanging out in front of a nearby garage, so they saw me pulling in, and decided to come talk to me about my car. I did the usual, but I overhear one of them that didn't come to talk about it say, 

"OH HE JUST WANTS TO SHOW OFF" in frustration. 

I was just parking for the day.

That ended without going further, I acted like I didn't hear it, but I never spoke to any of those people nor anybody that could call them a friend, again. It's just a bit odd to me that anybody could perceive that I was cocky by simply buying a vehicle that's new and rare. I don't think I'm cocky, and I definitely try my best not to be. That's because just like as a child, I've spent most of my adult life, alone. 

    I'm an alcoholic. I've made no effort nor will I ever to hide that fact. I love drinking, but I hate who I become when I'm drunk, as I have no control over it. So I don't. I've been sober since March 23rd, 2020. I had made an effort to become sober since 2018, but it took that long to actually do it, and I used COVID as a catalyst. But from June 2018 to about September of 2021, I didn't have anybody. Most of my time was spent in my grandparent's basement just trying to feel fine between losing my mind. Of course I worked, but work was separate and I never felt whole while there. I drank to disappear; I showed up to make money. My state of mind was so weak that once I quit drinking, I changed jobs. Didn't participate in holiday events, I cut off all of my friends from a previous life. New "friends" were built on a shitty foundation that didn't last nor could it. It's just that now, when I'm lonely again, I think about the previous times, and I wonder if it was even that bad. 

    Blocking doesn't always result in the best of outcomes, and sometimes I do it far too hastily. It's not that I don't care about somebody when I do it. As of now it's a knee-jerk reaction to perceived danger. I suppose it developed throughout my long history of... moving. ESPECIALLY during the developmental years. I switched schools about 4 times within the third grade, and lastly, I swapped classes. I was never able to maintain friendships. So, due to that, I guess I never learned the true value of repairing them. From "betrayals" (in parentheses because I wholeheartedly believe the actions of a younger human aren't really indicative of the kind of person they are, therefore, I don't believe they're all that serious), to slight misunderstanding, to downright being robbed by someone I believed was my friend. I learned that friendships are inherently dangerous, and that's a belief I've been fighting a lot recently. Nevertheless, I'm not able to undo the damage that blocking causes. I know most people aren't used to it, so when it happens it's believed to be a final resort- crisis mode, unrepairable etc. It's just that for me... blocking is just a Tuesday.  

     The damage I cause isn't up for me to decide, merely for me to accept. I can, however, decide if I do it in the first place. I've focused on being a good friend for so long, and yeah many of my friends do accept my flighty nature, but what am I losing out on with those that... don't? Am I really losing out on anything? Maybe it's just the loneliness talking, but what if I'm really destined to be this... alone for now. I've got friends, but I spend most of my time alone with my pets. Some say it's a gift, but I don't know if they've lived it as long as I have. I see people daily, those I call my friends (and the best part is they're coworkers). I talk to people digitally daily, especially people that I'll never meet in person. It's just... not enough. I don't know if it'll ever be, and seemingly we live in a world where I'll just need to get used to it. 

Maybe I will be alone forever.